


Are You There, God? It's Me, Tony

by aenor_llelo, Alderous, Falrisesi



Series: For A Diamond Is A Marveled Thing [23]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Bruce Banner & Tony Stark Friendship, DUM-E and U, Despite Rumor Tony Proves To Be Less Scandalous Then Expected, Fake Character Death, Friendship Is Hacking Into Legal Databases Together, Gen, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, Known Billionaire Tony Stark Crashing On Various Couches, Less Action And More Weird DMs And Self Care, Online Friendship, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smart Hulk (Marvel), Tony Stark Acting as Harley Keener's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Once Again Tricked Into Having Friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:15:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 5,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26887219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aenor_llelo/pseuds/aenor_llelo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alderous/pseuds/Alderous, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Falrisesi/pseuds/Falrisesi
Summary: Howard Stark didn't believe in God. The only altar he ever pretended to worship was the shrine of his own creation.Maria Stark believed in God, or so he heard.Tony Stark doesn't.But when Steve Rogers turns on the news and sees TONY STARK, DEAD, he almost closes his eyes and prays....Four hours later, Tony Stark is crashing on the Hulk's couch. Life is funny like that.orTony Stark isn't as attached to his stuff as he looks, and reports of his death are greatly exaggerated.
Relationships: Bruce Banner & Tony Stark, Harley Keener & Tony Stark, Pepper Potts & Tony Stark, Steve Rogers & Tony Stark
Series: For A Diamond Is A Marveled Thing [23]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1604959
Comments: 94
Kudos: 361





	1. Misirlou

**Author's Note:**

> This work is part of a series that has an internal continuity. If you insisted on reading this first and are lost on what's going on, you literally set yourself up for confusion. I can't help you there, buddy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Couch surfing counts as surfing, right? Right.

* * *

Professor Oliver Banner, respectable Jet citizen of the Gem Empire and multidiscipline teacher at Little Homeschool, politely opens his door.

"What the fuck?" he not so politely asks.

"Hey there Brucie Bear," Tony shivers in the snow next to an empty Iron Man suit.

"Wrong Banner," Oliver gently reprimands.

"Sorry, Olive Garden," Tony wheezes in nothing but a T-shirt and faded jeans. "I know it's kind of sudden, but could me and the bots crash at your place for a couple days?"

Two arm robots click happily from Tony's car.

"Why..." Oliver pinches at his glasses. "...why are DUM-E and U with you?"

"Eh... now, uh- _don't freak out_ ," Tony whines as he stalls, scuffing his sandals in the snow, "but I _may_ have given out my home address to a terrorist on national television and gotten my house blown up."

"First of all," Oliver says with a quick sweep of his arm, "get inside before you become a puny popsicle-"

"I am _not_ short, I am _fun sized_ -"

"Second of all, _what do you mean your house got blown up_-"

* * *


	2. Baby, It's Cold Outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now what did I say about strays?

* * *

"Ah, shit," Oliver hisses under his breath, slumping as he hears the new knock on the door.

"What?" Tony asks from under the mountainous sweater he's currently drowning in. "You don't like visitors?"

"I don't like being visited by who I think _this_ _guy_ is," Oliver mutters. The knocking gets a little less polite and Oliver braces his hands on his knees, slowing getting up out of his chair like some kind of weary old man. How old _is_ Bruce even? 40? 50? Tony doesn't actually know. Either way, he's an Old Man and then some. (Tony is _not_ an old man, he is an Older Man, The difference is that he's a smoking eligible bachelor over here.)

Oliver's posture gets a little smaller as he opens his door. " _Hey, there,_ " he seems to half-cringe, "fancy seeing you here-"

"Where is the human?" A low song cuts.

"Well," Oliver blusters, "if you think about it from a certain point of view, _I'm_ the human of the house, so you're gonna have to be more specific-"

A tall, barrel chested shape skirting a _little_ closer to the wrong half of 6-foot-fuck-off than Tony's really comfortable with shoulders past the literal Hulk like nothing, stalking into the house in snow-laden sandals.

Crimson Carbide tilts their head, dark eyes nearly boring _past_ Tony's skull with something vaguely resembling recognition. "Doctor Stark."

Tony... doesn't know this particular Gem all that well. They've met a few times in passing when everyone was in the Selenian city for Loki's trial, and it was fun to watch them deck Thor in the face for shit's and giggles, but it's not like they're a new best buddy. That tone of theirs just now- it's not exactly friendly, but it isn't _hostile_ either, so Tony will have to take it. "What brings you around, Red? You got Christmas business with Jolly Green over here?"

"Perhaps," their dead song drawls vaguely. "What is that one doing here?" They half-whisper back to Oliver.

"Showed up a few hours ago," Oliver whispers back. "His house exploded."

"How'd that even happen?"

"He gave his address away on national television."

"Sounds fucking stupid."

"I'm right here, y'know," Tony loudly reminds them while he grabs another coffee.

"Yes." The Gem blinks. "Why?"

"Why are _you_ here, Cherry Bomb?" Tony shoot back.

"The other residents called in the car outside the house. Bismuth told me to take a look." Crimson Carbide turns briefly back to Oliver. "I think your students were worried."

Oliver scoffs. "As if." He waves a flippant hand. "We all know I could put pretty much any human in a wall."

"Fair enough. Still doesn't answer my question."

"My _house_ got blown up, dumbass," Tony kindly repeats.

"Your house in New York," Carbide presses.

"Yep."

"Over four hours away by drive."

"Got 'em in one."

After a long silence, Carbide leans back and lets out a heavy sigh. 

"Fine," their dead song dismisses flippantly. "Whatever. Stress me out over a non-existent security breach, why don't you?" They slap Oliver in the arm with a force that would have definitely put a normal man into the nearest wall, but only leaves _him_ mildly swaying. "I'm reporting this. Don't come kill me when Az wants to bother you at 3AM over your new roommate."

"Can't you at least wait until tomorrow?" Oliver groans. "I want at _least_ a strong breakfast before having to deal with _that_."

"Yes, well- _I_ wanted to sleep tonight," Carbide drawls past dead eyes as they leave, "but here I am having to deal with you. Get fucked."

"Yeah, yeah, may you ever return to your hearth, buddy."

The Gem closes the door with a rather forceful level of noise.

"I think that went pretty well!" Tony concludes brightly.

"It kind of didn't," Oliver gently rebuts.

"Sure it did," Tony dismisses.

"I now have to deal with Asteria Diamond in the middle of the night," Oliver wearily points out. "She's great and all, but that's a bit much, don't you think?"

"And you're a brave man for punching through it anyway," Tony reassures with a pat on Oliver's unreasonably large green hand.

" _You're_ gonna have to deal with her boundless energy and vague mom concern at the same time, too."

"...Fuck."

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oliver: my sweater disappeared  
> tony: (wearing a suspiciously oversized sweater like the world's worst dress) weird


	3. Hello, Inspector!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newcomers should beware of inspection.

* * *

And Tony had been sitting there, oversized Hulk-tier sweater fit to perfectly accentuate his fine tiddies, with the distant hope that maybe he could pretend to sleep tonight, when Asteria Diamond stepped on in the house with all the grace of a corgi wearing boots in winter.

"Doctors," they cheerfully chirp at the most ungodly hour, scuffing their boots dry on the mat. "I see there's been an unexpected visit." A blink. "Other than me."

"I'm right here," Tony loudly points at himself, hoping he's not so drowned in his newly ~~stolen~~ unwittingly gifted clothes that the Gem can't see him.

The Diamond chuffs, form loudly... Tony doesn't want to say it puffs up like a cat, but there's definitely this weird vibrating glitch, violently displacing air and snow off of their body before bothering to step inside.

"You couldn't have waited until morning?" Oliver quietly despairs.

"It is morning."

"6 o' clock is _not_ morning in winter-"

"There was some sort of incident, I heard?" they gently interrupt. "I can't imagine you'd show up like this out of nowhere, Anthony."

_Anthony_ again. Guess that's staying. "You should really try to keep up on the puny human news, Stardust." Tony takes a casual sip of the literal chocolate tea quietly roasting in his hands. "My house got blown up."

"Oh dear. Are you alright?"

"Nothing big," Tony deflects, "just gave out my address while I was angry-" The cup is gently taken away from him while large hands suddenly prod at his wrists and fingers. "-uh..."

"Go on," Asteria distantly insists. "I'm only checking."

Spilling out his recent life story while getting gently poked and jostled everywhere is a bit weird, but certainly not the _weirdest_ thing Tony's ever done, so he'll live. "Happy got hurt. You remember Happy, he was the security guy who got all guard dog on you on the tour-"

"Hmm."

"-used to be my bodyguard. Head of security for Stark Tower now, watches Pepper for me."

"The red-haired lady," Asteria recalls, "with the white dress. I remember her after New York. She was nice."

"Yeah, she's great." _Too great for someone like me._ "That's why I gave her the company, after all." _That's why I couldn't make her stay._

Ew. Thoughts. Better stuff _that_ in a corner. A big, big dark corner where he can't ever think those kind of thoughts again. Yikes.

"There's been this, uh- terrorist thing going around lately in the US?" He squints as a thumb presses at his skull. "Is that a thing for you guys? Do I have to explain what a terrorist is-"

"I was part of the longest sustained act of terrorism in earthly history. I know enough."

_Shit. Yeah,_ Tony remembers with a sudden violence. _The Gem War._

(One day kids are gonna learn about shit like that in school. That's a terrifying thought.)

"Yeah, there's been this one terror guy going around, calls himself _The Mandarin_ \- shitty name, I know- he pops random explosions across the US 'cause he hates the government. And..." Tony trails off. "...Happy got caught in that last one."

The large hands hovering around him pause.

"He's okay," Tony quickly dissuades, not sure why. "He'll be fine, but I _kind of_ freaked out at one of my best buddies being knocked by a terrorist and gave my address out on public television so he could square up. So he, uh- blew up my house. I got the hell out of dodge before he could blow me up along with it."

Asteria, to their credit, doesn't immediately call out how stupid the whole chain of events is- only raising their eyebrows like it was a surprising but somehow understandable reaction.

"I'll be out of your hair in a few days. I just need to lay low until it all gets sorted out, and, uh-" He cringes, not quite sure if he's allowed to ask, "-can we keep this on a need to know? If I'm going to be harassed in public again, I'd like it to be on my own terms."

The Diamond tilts their head upward with a short hum. "Stay as long as you need. It's only fair, after all the times I've visited you. Go out into the town if you like, don't do anything rude, ask for help if you need it."

"Not gonna charge me rent?" Tony half-jokes.

"You're my friend," they answer, like it's the easiest thing in the world. "That's all."

And then they're gone.

"So," Oliver suddenly looms with a smugness that does _not_ belong on his college professor-type face, " _all those visits_ , huh? Something you wanna tell me?"

"Oh, shut up you walking Christmas tree, why does _everyone_ -"

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen. It's not about whether or not _we_ would say it. It's about whether _Tony Stark_ would say it.


	4. Allow Me To Thank You, Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She's just real grateful, y'know.

* * *

"Oh, shit," an all too human voice sounds somewhere behind him. "That's Tony Stark, isn't it?"

"Well, _I_ wouldn't know," a Gem's song answers, "so many of you humans look the same."

"I don't think you can call my people out for looking all the same, hun."

Tony slowly, inevitably looks out of the corner of his eye, treated with the sight of a lady _way_ too tall to not terrify him and the child-sized Gem flying next to her.

Said human lady is currently squatting in front of a fire pit, staring at kebabs, and shoveling literal charcoal in her mouth with a prosthetic hand.

Cinna Monterey, he recalls vaguely. She certainly was just as much of a... personality as she was the last time he saw her.

"Christ on a stick, there is a God." Monterey crunches another line of charcoal. "S'up, Mr. Iron Boy?"

_Going out was a mistake._

" _Hey there_ , Cinnamon Toast Crunch," Tony attempts to smile a little less like a man in pain, "fancy seeing you again so soon. How's the arm treating you?"

Monterey was a New York casualty. ~~One of the lucky ones.~~ She'd been healthy enough at the time to make a good candidate for the first trials of Stark line prosthetics.

Sure, it wasn't as _patriotic_ or _marketable_ as a little kid or a war vet, but contrary to popular belief, Tony Stark wasn't always chasing the next big profit. First and foremost he was a scientist, and Monterey had been the safest, strongest candidate.

The two-hundred little mistakes he'd made with her will go on to save countless lives in the future. She'd been paid handsomely, even gotten a free arm out of the deal with a blank check of infinite maintenance.

And then she sort of dropped off human record entirely. 

Guess she'd run off here. (Like he did, really.)

"Oh, _y'know_ ," she flippantly fires back, "the usual. Phantom pain bitchin' around at ass o' clock, snow biting off my bone stump. I'm having a _great_ time." Bronze eyes blink. "Prosthetic's alright, too."

"Glad to hear it. Surprised to see you running around with _this_ kinda crowd, though."

"Surprised to see _you_ running around. Aren't you supposed to be dead or some shit?"

_Going out was a mistake._ "Fair enough," he says instead.

Her eyes glow a little less freaky as she leans away from the fire, settling on a log. (Why the fuck does Little Homeworld have random public fire pits anyway?) "The arm really is alright, though." She flexes the fingers under its sleeve experimentally. "Took a while to get the stump to stop being a weak baby about it but it's alright. You and Bismuth did some real good work. I'm so fucking thankful I could punch you for it."

"Oh _boy_ ," Tony laughs to himself nervously.

"It would be so easy," Monterey ominously continues. "You look very punchable."

Before she can follow up on that, Crimson Carbide walks by, picks her up, and dumps her into the fire pit.

"You're Mall Santa now," the Gem grins with a dead smile. "Stay in the chimney and don't punch anyone."

"You do know he's not called-"

" _You're Mall Santa now._ "

Monterey lounges in the ash and flame unbothered. "Aight then."

Crimson Carbide gives Tony a dead smile, a thumbs up, and picks up the kebabs that were previously sitting in the fire as they walk away.

_Going out was a mistake._

* * *


	5. It's Not Like It's Rocket Surgery Or Anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of a Worst kind of friendship.

* * *

So it all started when Tony tried remote hacking into the Rose Hill Police Department database.

Nice town, Rose Hill. Little out of the ways place in Tennessee.

Had a suicide bombing earlier up in the year. Six dead. Not a body to be found.

The problem here is that the Mandarin forgot to take credit for it. And that's interesting, isn't it?

Which is why Tony is up at a paradoxically more reasonable hour, trying to get into the database. Not his preferred working hours to be honest (3 AM tends to be a far more magical hour for him), but an extra blip during a high traffic hour is going to draw less attention then someone mucking around in the middle of the night.

Hacking into shit is never as _fun_ as it is in movies. It's boring work, really- even more boring to watch. (Or so he's been told. Mostly by Rhodey, who wants him to stop hacking into Pentagon servers, the _buzzkill._ )

He'd do it himself, it'd be cheap change for his premium coffee fueled brain bits, but he's running on a schedule, so he's got JARVIS on it while he does other things with his time. Like play Pokemon.

"Sir-"

"Battling a legendary right now, JARVIS."

"Sir, there appears to be someone else tampering with the database."

_Oh shit._ "No kidding?" He squints at the screen and sure enough, there's _something_ fucking around the site metadata. "Well, we can't have _that_ , can we? Gimme an IP on Black Hat here."

"It's a local, sir. Shall I drive them from the server?"

"Nah." Tony crunches on some Christmas popcorn he Most Definitely did not steal from his gracious host. "Sneak a screen-share on the guy, drop a little file on their desktop, I wanna see what's up."

* * *

>This town isn't big enough for the two of us.

>WHAT THE FUCK

>Leaving your tracks open like that?

>Sloppy sloppy sloppy

>what are you a cop

>Nah, just Tony Stark.

>pretty ballsy to give yourself a dead guy's name, "Tony"

>Well if he's dead, it's not like he's using it.

>if you're tony stark, i'm god

>OK, God.

>wheeze

>but seriously the fuck you doing in here

>i don't think anyone else in towns got the balls OR the brains to stalk me out

>Call me an interested stranger.

>I'm looking at that suicide bomber a few months back

>Chad Davis ring a bell?

>oh shit yeah i was lookin at him too

>pretty sus tbh

>i only met him like once or twice but he was NOT that kinda guy

>i don't see why that's got to do with you "tony"

>What if I told you I think this might have been a terrorist attack?

>OH SHIT?

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which harley and tony meet in a different sort of way


	6. The Last Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony has questions for God.

* * *

>Are you there, God?

>It's me, Tony.

>whatup

>Question- are you free?

>2- do you have a camera?

>i got time, dunno what pics gotta do with it tho

>I kind of want to see the place where the explosion happened.

>show up yourself coward

>Last time I fucked around to find out my house got burned down, so- gonna have to pass on that.

>yikes

>do you need like

>something specific or

>Mostly I'm wondering why there's only four shadows on the wall instead of five? Did they report the numbers wrong or something?

>davis is the only one that didn't burn into the wall. people sayin it was "he went straight to hell" or some shit?

>Well THAT'S not suspicious.

>yeah didn't even leave a body i think

>h u h

>are you having a big brain

>or an old man stroke

>I'll get back to you on that.

* * *


	7. And A NEW CAR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's some kind of joke about gifts somewhere.

* * *

"Oh my God," Tony gasps. "Is that a '96 Dondai Supremo?"

"Damn," the older man laughs, "you've got one hell of an eye, don't ya?"

He eyes the angular, pristine body with a discerning eye. "I could _never_ find a Supremo, not for sale!" 

"I'm not surprised. '96 was the last one they ever made." The man scratches at his scruffy beard. "This guy was collecting dust in an Ocean Town used car dealer, if you can believe it."

"How much?" Tony casually asks.

"Oh no," narrows the old man's grey eyes with a wry grin, "you couldn't afford me."

"Try me, I could make out as many millions as I want to a Mister..." Tony trails off.

"...Mr. Greg Universe," the man finishes. "And it's not for sale."

"Mr. UNIVERSE?" Tony most definitely does not crack. He totally doesn't, he _does not_ , he does not crack in front of the indie rock ballad artist that's been his one obscure haunt since his before his _college_ _days_ , no sirree.

Mr. Universe had been a sleeper hit, a cryptid on the moors before he dropped off the concert map entirely. Tony remembers Rhodey giving him his first mixtape, and him phasing out at horrid hours to musings of comets and impossible space trains to the cosmos. Wistfully drifting off in the vague direction of another Stark Industries commercial on TV, wondering if he could ever be as free as the universe.

"Fuck it, I don't even need another car," Tony whispers. "I'd kind of just pay for an autograph. Or for your _clearly_ immaculate taste in cars."

"It's not like you _could_ buy the car off me anyways," Mr. Universe shyly explains. "I gave it to someone else a few years back."

"Think I could buy it off of them?"

"Oh, you could _try_ , Anthony," Asteria Diamond sounds behind them, "but I'm pretty attached to my gifts, you know."

"That sounds like a challenge, Stardust," Tony dares to smirk.

"Does it?"

"I'll have you know I'm the _master_ of over-gifting. Ask all my friends and exes, it's couch sized teddy bears for miles."

"That's a _thing?_ " Asteria makes the mistake of asking with a too-soft voice.

_Alien god computer mystified by concept of incorrectly soft objects, more at 7._

"Guess we know what _you're_ getting for Christmas," he snarks under his breath.

"Please don't."

"Too late, I've been challenged."

"You really haven't."

" _Too late, I've been challenged-_ "

* * *


	8. Dear Sir Or Madam, I Am Sorry To Inform You That...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An incorrect reaction to incorrect news.

* * *

**Calling...**

Asteria Diamond. Who is this?

This is, uh... Steve Rogers?

From New York?

Steven! Hello. What brings you around today?

Well, have you been keeping up with the news lately?

Work keeps me away from non-imperial news, I'm afraid.

...Tony Stark died just yesterday.

I _saw_ him just yesterday.

It's sudden, I know. We think it was probably a terrorist attack-

I also saw him this morning.

Wait, _what?_

He's been in Little Homeworld these last days staying at the Professor's house.

He seemed like he needed a break.

Oh, son of a-

**Call ended**

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> az: well i'm sure that went well


	9. Just Your Problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony thinks about some things.

* * *

His name is Aldrich Killian, and once upon a time back in 2000, Tony Stark left him hanging on a rooftop the way he'd left a thousand other people who don't bother to make appointments.

Unlike countless other people who simply moved on with their lives, Killian decided to do a little something _more._

He decided to go for some illegal human experimentation on amputees and war vets with a side of creating fake terrorists for fun and profit.

Y'know.

For shits and giggles.

Because apparently that's what people just fucking do these days. Because this is just _somehow_ going to be _Tony Stark's_ fault all the fuck over again like how New York casualties are his fault and Vanko was his fault and Iron Monger was his fault and fucking _Obie_ was his fault and ~~Mom and Dad were his fault because _oh, Tonio, you know how he drinks when he's upset and_~~

he shouldn't be thinking of shit like this.

"You good, man?"

Oliver's hand hovers uncertainly over him. Tony turns it into a quick fistbump instead. "I'm peachy keen, Jolly Green," he brushes off. "Just losing my mind over those shitty terrorist guys that blew up my house."

"You're still going on about that?" Oliver asks with no small amount of an emotion that's probably horror.

"Yeah?" Tony goes back to hunching over his computer. "I'm the one who has to clean up this fucking mess, don't I?"

"You... really _don't_ ," Oliver cringes as he sets up his tea.

"It's my own fucking fault my house got blown up, isn't it?"

"No?" Oliver squints at him past his honey spoon. "That's on the dumbasses who thought blowing up a guy's house was a good idea. You don't have to go in and personally fix their asses over it."

_Why does it have to be you, Tones?_

_~~Don't waste your life~~ _ ~~.~~

"You..." Tony closes his laptop with a little more force then he probably needs to. "...have a point, actually."

"I'm a teacher, I've got a lot of points."

"Not with _that_ toast, you don't. Are you seriously putting honey on _avocado?_ "

"It's pretty good," Oliver refutes a touch defensively. "Don't knock it 'til you try it."

"You know what? Maybe I will. Just to prove you wrong."

* * *


	10. Sharks In The Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony decides to step back.

* * *

**Unknown Number calling...**

Who is this?

Hello, Adrian.

This is a private number.

Adrian, Adrian. Can I call you Adrian? I think it's only fair. After all, you can't have someone's house blown up without becoming at least a _little_ closer.

At least that's what I think.

...Mr. Stark. The reports all said you were dead.

No body, I take it? For someone claiming to be such a mastermind, you sure are shortsighted.

But, I guess, what with all of your exploding bodies, you might've forgotten about things like that. I can cut you some slack.

These are some heavy accusations.

And I'm sure you're frantically contacting your Extremis doggies right this second, trying to shut me up. It won't work, sweetheart.

It was Maya, wasn't it?

Too bad. She's clever, but I suppose she never was ruthless enough to be a truly successful scientist.

Down, boy. Maya hasn't seen hide or hair of _my_ gracious good looks since that New Year's party.

You can say thank you to our unfortunate friend Chad Davis, and all of the fun data he stole from you.

Poor kid.

Mistakes are always made in the name of progress. I'm sure _you_ know that well, Dr. Stark.

Maybe, maybe not. But the point is, you broke the law, Adrian.

And you haven't?

Surprisingly, _no_. Stark Industries is very proud to say we keep _everything_ above board, but I guess AIM isn't so careful.

And what, exactly, are you planning to do with this information?

I know where you live. I know where all of your contacts live.

Extremis has still so much untapped potential.

I'm sure we can reach an _understanding_.

Aw, sweetheart, you shouldn't have. I'm almost tempted.

But you stalked my darling CEO.

You tried to blow up my Forehead Of Security.

Certain things just _can't_ be bribed away.

And what? You'll storm in, the great Iron Man, and beat in on your business rivals? That's not a good look, Tony.

Oh, _I know_.

That's why I've already taken care of it.

What are you playing at, Stark?

I really am just _unimaginably_ pissed off at you right now.

So I thought nice and long and hard about it, and you know what I thought, Adrian? I think I don't need to bite that bait.

 _You're just not worth my time_.

So what? You'll just let me go because you're so generous like that?

I think I will.

I think I'll just _throw you out_.

... _You don't have the proof._

Maybe I don't. Maybe I do.

But the blood's in the water now. The media's a bitch in my side any day of the week, but they're smart. I don't need to do the work for them.

And the beauty of it is, I don't have to do a thing about it.

I'll just sit back and watch while the sharks tear you apart.

Oh, and- one last thing?

Your set design work is trash. I've _lived_ the inside of a Ten Rings base, honey, and it does _not_ look like that. You should have hired some experts.

Have a nice life, sweetheart.

**Call Ended**

* * *


	11. The Name In Vain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> God checks in on Tony.

* * *

>oh my god

>jesus fuck

>damn tony you really went on the crusade there didn't you

>Isn't it poor taste to take your own name in vain, "God"?

>well excuse me mr dead guy

>Answer the question coward

>i'm god i'll do what i want

>YOU answer the question

>you really just went and cancelled that killian guy huh

>It's not like I had anything better to do with my time.

>but like

>why

>seems like a lot of effort

>why'd you bother

>Wouldn't you?

>don't philosophize me

>he fucked up davis

>but tbh

>i probably wouldn't have known enough to give a shit otherwise

>and i think that's how most people saw it really

>so what's your damage? whys it gotta be you

>Honestly?

>He blew up my house.

>damn

>all that for a house

>To be fair, it was a very nice house.

>you murdered the guy's entire legacy for one (1) house

>Yes. And?

>...

>ok i can respect tahat

>tahat

>fuck you too dead guy

>well

>maybe not so dead i guess?

>did you hear the news

>i guess tony stark's not actually dead

>lmao killian ain't hot shit he can't even kill a guy smh

>I'll keep it, it's my name now.

>pfft okay

>i guess we won't be talking anymore

>since like

>it's over now. i guess

>Who said we need an excuse to hang out?

>You seem pretty cool.

>Your weird internet slang is a bitch to read, but you helped me "cancel" a real-life terrorist.

>No way I'm letting you disappear into the night.

>Unless I'm being creepy.

>I kind of did hijack your computer to start talking to you.

>i mean we were both doing big boy crimes so whatever

>you haven't killed me in a dark alley yet

>What a glowing review of trust, God.

>what are you gonna do, stab me

>i have six potato cannons in my house you wanna fuck around and find out

>Six potato cannons

>First of all, why

>because i can

>Where would you even get that?

>i'm god i can make whatever i want

>Blueprints or it didn't happen.

>is that a challenge

>I don't know, is it?

>fuck you just for that i'll design TWELVE CANNONS

>YOU'RE GETTING MUGGED

* * *


	12. You Better Watch Out, You Better Watch Out,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you better watch out, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT

* * *

**Probably Not Secretly Mew But Who Fucking Knows At This Point**

[A picture of a folded piece of paper with a Great Diamond Authority seal.

The paper, unfolded, reads _Cherish Your Life_. in both English and Gemglyph.]

I have several questions

It looks like my son got your address from the records. Hmm.

sunshine why is your giant red son sending me ominous christmas cards

I think he's trying to be nice?

...he also sent me a christmas stocking

That sounds about right.

think i could invite Mr. Crimson Carbide over to a Stark Tower tour?

Perhaps not.

He's a bit of a fan of your tech work, you see.

ooh, fanboy crush?

Oh stars, no.

He'd never resist the urge to rob you blind.

a good way to test my security

Please don't.

haha ok i'll just do it while you aren't looking

Anthony.

Anthony please.

Your things.

_:)_

ANTHONY

* * *


	13. Lucky Bastards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's easy to forget your calls.

* * *

**Platypus**

Tony you motherfucker

And hello to you too, Rhodeybear

don't you rhodey bear me I THOUGHT YOU FUCING DIED

in my defense

it was a wild week for me ok

DEADASS FAKE YO OWN DEATH

I did NOT fake my own death

the media was just too ready to believe i died

YOU KNOW WHAT

fair actually

but also Fuck you

!!

????

Why???

A WEEK

coulda fucking CALLED ME

i was sitting here with pepper ready to draw up your funeral

ya DUMBASS

mm

sorry i didn't call

i was just super paranoid about terrorists killing me

But I should have reached you sooner and

God

what a fucking christmas

What a fucking year

...you good?

yeh

Yeah.

Probably

fuck

i don't know

I can't promise this won't happen again. But I'll try to give you some warning next time,

alright?

As long as you tried, man.

Where have you been staying anyway? One of your houses?

I mean NOW, yeah

but after house blew up i crashed at LH for a good few days

Doesn't AD live there?

in the area yeah

...Tony have you been having a christmas sleepover with Asteria Diamond

JIM WHAT THE F UC K

i'm not judgin i just wanna know

jimbo what in the god damn

We both know you have pretty open preferences,

OH MY GOD PLEASE STOP

I'm just sayin. Be safe and all that nonsense

HONEYBEAR I WILL PAY YOU TO STOP

you gonna bribe a government official?

I am ASHAMED

RHODEY PLEASE

WHAT IF XE ACCIDENTALLY READS THIS

Oh So Y'all Scrollin Eachothers Phones Now

J I M W H Y

Don't run from the truth.

THIS ISN'T EVEN TRUTH ANYMORE THIS IS LIES

mhm

LIES AND SLANDER

sure

D O NO T

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really just giving tony a break with this fic tbh, he needs it

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments, critique, your eternal suffering, and kudos all equally welcomed.
> 
> Join the Discord server for behind the scenes nonsense, yearning questions of my questionable literary choices, future stories, and how you can support our work! Or check out the twitter as well if you're interested in supporting us!
> 
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> 
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